Proverbs 27:12 is a particularly appropriate Scripture passage for marriage. In that passage the wisest of the wise counsels: "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." As we emphasize elsewhere in our materials, conflict between persons, even those close to each other, is inevitable. And taking vows to "have and to hold... for better and for worse... in sickness and in health... till death do us part" does not negate the fact that these two people are sinners and will naturally experience conflict, which has the potential to destroy their marriage.

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If spouses are wise, they will heed King Solomon's advice. They will "see danger and take refuge." In other words, they will take deliberate steps to prevent problems and to build into their marriage "insurance policies" that will help them get through troubled times and stay together.

But they need to do it before the problems arise, when both partners are still committed to making sure their marriage thrives. If couples build insurance into their marriage during their halcyon years together before the kids come along, they have had a much better chance of making it through the tough times. For once trouble arises, one or both spouses may have second thoughts about the marriage and refuse to make the commitment and do the hard work it takes to preserve their relationship.

There are seven specific and proactive steps a couple can take to set the stage for dealing with conflict before the trouble arises.

Nurture the marital relationship. It is essential that a couple deliberately cultivate the four key dimensions of their marital relationship: spiritual, intellectual/recreational, emotional, and physical.

Learn to be peacemakers. Our sinful natures guarantee conflict within a marriage, no matter how much the individual spouses are committed to each other. It's how spouses handle these conflicts that is crucial. Reading the materials on this website is a great first step in resolving these differences. But you must also commit to practicing what you've learned—one great way to practice these principles is to share them with others. The more we share what God is teaching us about peacemaking, the more fully we will understand the peacemaking principles.

Join a peacemaking church. One of the best ways to guard your marriage against future catastrophe is to join a church that has deliberately developed its ability to equip and assist its people to respond to conflict in a biblical manner. If you are in a church that does not have this ability, then you should do all you can to encourage the leadership to help the church grow in this area.

Join a couples small group. There is great wisdom and benefit from deliberately seeking regular close fellowship with other Christian couples who can observe how you interact with your spouse in casual settings and lovingly confront you when they see you doing something that might undermine your marriage.

Agree to seek help when needed. Agree that you will seek outside counsel if you experience marital problems that you cannot resolve on your own. It is important to make this agreement as early as possible, when both of you are committed to your marriage and understand the wisdom and necessity of seeking outside counsel when you cannot resolve differences privately (see Matthew 18:15-16).

Sign a marriage covenant. To add further weight to your commitment to guard your marriage and to resolve conflicts in a biblically faithful manner, you may sign a "Christian Marriage and Peacemaking Covenant" that commits you to turning to the church instead of civil courts to resolve problems that might conceivably give rise to legal issues.

Be available to help other couples. As God enables you to overcome your own marital challenges and experience a closer and stronger relationship with your spouse, I urge you to make yourself available to help other couples who would benefit from your experience and wisdom. Peacemaker Ministries offers an in-depth Training Program to teach you to help others resolve conflict.

Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, through which He enriches our lives, blesses us with children, guards us against temptation, and presents a model to the world of how Jesus Christ loves His church (Ephesians 5:25). Sin, Satan, and the world conspire daily to oppose God and tarnish this model. Therefore, be wise. Recognize both the opportunities and the dangers that lie ahead. Prepare yourself today to respond to the inevitable conflicts in a biblically faithful manner. As you and your spouse learn how to be peacemakers, you will not only strengthen your marriage, but also turn it into a place where God is glorified, others are served, and both of you are steadily being conformed to the image of the great Peacemaker, our Lord Jesus Christ.

¹ The Barna Research Group, Ltd., August 6, 2001, Survey on Divorce, Marriage, and Remarriage.

Adapted from Peacemaking for Families, by Ken Sande (Tyndale, 2002).