Marriage

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Answer: Start by asking God to help you discern things you do that discourage open communication. Do you speak out of irritation or frustration? If so, your husband will naturally retreat behind defensive silence. Are you more interested in getting your point across than listening to and understanding his? If so, he will not waste his time in a fruitless conversation. Do you become defensive when he confronts you about something? If so, he will just keep his thoughts bottled up inside. If you really want to know what barriers you are erecting, ask your husband to tell you what he thinks you have done to make it difficult to talk. Listen carefully to his answer without becoming defensive, and then ask God to help you to change.

Another reason why men do not want to talk is that they don't always know how to express themselves in a constructive way, and they've never learned how to deal with conflict effectively. Men hate failure. So rather than fumble with clumsy words and stir up a quarrel, they play it safe and say nothing. Ask your husband if the two of you can work together to improve your ability to communicate and resolve conflict. Suggest a means of learning that is easiest for him (see suggestions in Question 2). If your husband agrees to it, talking with a pastor or biblical counselor can greatly accelerate your progress. Whenever your husband does communicate well, be sure to express your appreciation. God can use your positive response to encourage him to open up and grow even more.

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Question 2: My wife and I do not handle conflict well. We become defensive, blurt out a few sharp words, and then clam up for a day or so. We are becoming more and more superficial with each other, and we're setting a terrible example for our children. What should I do?

Answer: For a Christian it is never too late to start doing what's right. No matter how bad your conflict resolution skills are today, God can help you to grow more than you can even imagine. The first step in improving peacemaking skills is to focus deeply on what God has done to make peace with you. Jesus died on the cross to save you from the penalty and ongoing slavery of sin. If you have trusted in him, your sins are completely forgiven! And now he wants to empower you to put off old habits and learn how to relate to others in a way that models his love and forgiveness for you.

You play an important role in this process of change. You need to study God's Word and learn what he teaches about peacemaking. You might start by reading a small booklet entitled Words that Cut, which talks about how to give and receive criticism in the light of what Jesus did for us on the cross. You could also attend a Peacemaker Sunday school class or small group Bible study, listen to audiotapes while you travel, or read Peacemaking for Families together. To spread the benefits to your children, study The Young Peacemaker as a family, and look for ways to weave peacemaking principles into the conflicts of daily life.

This change takes time and effort, but it is well worth it. As God enables you to live out the gospel in the midst of conflict, you will find new and exciting intimacy in your marriage, confidence in facing the challenges of life, and joy in seeing your children mature in their faith and in their ability to be peacemakers.

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Divorce

Question 3: I just discovered that my husband has been unfaithful. He says he is sorry and wants to stay together, but I am so hurt I don't think I can ever forgive him. My family is encouraging me to get a divorce, but I am afraid of how that will affect our children. What should I do?

Answer: Most Christians would agree that you have biblical grounds for divorce. But the fact that you can divorce doesn't mean you should divorce. God could have justly turned his back on the entire world long ago because of our unfaithfulness. Yet he chose to forgive us and do the hard work of reconciliation, which required sending his Son to the cross in our place. You now have an opportunity to imitate God's amazing, undeserved mercy and grace by making every reasonable effort to reconcile with your husband (see Rom. 12:18; Eph. 4:32).

In addition, you are right to be concerned about the effect a divorce will have on your children. As indicated in a study on "The Effects of Divorce in America," divorce can have a devastating effect on children. It often contributes to problems in school, drugs and alcohol abuse, neglect or abuse in blended families, a diminished learning capacity, and a turning away from God. To spare children this misery, a parent should make every reasonable effort to save a marriage.

Of course, reconciliation will take work. Even if your husband seems to be sincerely sorry and repentant, it would be unwise to simply say you forgive him and put this behind you. A betrayal of this nature indicates that there are serious weaknesses in his relationship with the Lord and your relationship with each other. Now is the time to seek out solid biblical counseling so that the two of you can identify and resolve the root causes of these problems.

God's grace is powerful enough to heal this deep wound. In fact, if you take this great offense to the foot of the cross and ask God to cover it with the blood of his Son, he can wash away the pain, grant repentance from the underlying sin, enable you to truly forgive, and bless you and your husband with a deeper love and greater trust than you have ever known before.

You can also turn this into an opportunity to witness to your family. Acknowledge that you have a right to pursue a divorce, but tell them you are not doing so because God has not cut you off—even though you have sinned against him more often and more terribly than your husband has sinned against you. Use this painful event to share with your family and others the wonderful news of God's undeserved forgiveness and reconciling power.

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Question 4: My wife says she wants a divorce. I've done everything I can think of to persuade her to stay, but she is determined to leave. What can I do to save my marriage?

Answer: God is the only one who can save your marriage. Therefore, the most important thing you can do is to commit yourself to do everything he teaches you to do through his Word or through the church to reconcile with your wife.

Even though sin is the ultimate cause of divorce, hopelessness is usually what causes people to give up on a marriage and see an attorney. Therefore, it is essential to do everything possible to rebuild hope. Flowers, promises, and begging will do nothing to restore hope; in fact, they will probably make your wife even more resentful.

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At the same time, gently encourage your wife to consider counseling. If she resists, remind her that your children may someday ask, "Mom, how hard did you try to keep our family together? Did you even try counseling?" If she still resists, copy the article on "The Effects of Divorce in America," and ask her if she would at least consider how a divorce would affect your children. Pray that God will open her heart to counseling.

You should also look to your church for prayer support and counsel. Demonstrate that you are sincerely trying to address your failures in your marriage. Then ask your church to reach out to your wife and encourage her to be reconciled. If she refuses, urge your church leaders to exercise their biblical responsibility to exercise loving, redemptive discipline to persuade your wife not to break her marriage vows (see Matt. 18:15-20).

Finally, remember that God does not measure your success by results, but by your faithful, dependent obedience to him. You cannot control your wife's final decision, so you cannot necessarily save your marriage. But if you look to God for hope and guidance, sincerely repent of your sins, and do the best you can to obey what he commands, he will consider you faithful and successful, regardless of what your wife decides.

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Abuse

Question 5: My husband is both verbally and physically abusive. Some friends say I should just forgive and submit. Others say I should get out. What does the Bible say I should do?

Answer: The Bible calls us to love our enemies and do all we can to resolve conflicts in a way that will lead to complete forgiveness and reconciliation. It also teaches that we should submit to those whom God has placed in authority over us. But neither of these commands cancels other biblical principles that apply to domestic abuse.

Matthew 18:15-20, Luke 17:3, and Galatians 6:1-2 clearly command us to lovingly yet firmly confront someone who is caught in a sinful habit pattern. There is nothing in the Bible that says a wife should not follow these passages. If your husband is sinning against you through verbal or physical violence, God says you should do everything in your power to help him repent. If you cannot confront him safely on your own, you should go to your pastor and ask him to talk with your husband (Matt. 18:16). Or you could appeal to your husband to go to counseling with you. If he refuses to respond to counseling, then you should ask your church to exercise discipline in an effort to bring him to repentance (Matt. 18:17-20). (If your pastor is inexperienced in dealing with domestic violence, encourage him to read the CCEF booklet on Domestic Abuse).

If your husband refuses to respond to church counsel or discipline, and if you or your children are in danger of serious harm, it is appropriate to separate temporarily and seek help from the police and civil courts (Rom. 13:1-5). Sometimes a violent man has to face civil consequences before he sees the seriousness of his behavior.

Even while you pursue these avenues, you also need to follow other biblical commands with regard to your own heart and conduct. While nothing would justify abuse on the part of your husband, Jesus still calls you to take responsibility for your contribution to the situation, even if it seems small (Matt. 7:3-5). As God enables you to change things you may be doing that aggravate conflict in your marriage, it may be easier for your husband to submit to counseling and make lasting progress in controlling his anger.

As God brings repentance and confession to your husband, you can grant forgiveness and experience a genuine reconciliation in your marriage, thereby demonstrating the redeeming power of God's love and forgiveness.

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Question 6: My father abused me as a child. Although I've never discussed it with him, I think I've been able to forgive him. My mother doesn't know about any of this. Should I still try to talk with him about this, or should I just let it go?

Answer: There are two stages to forgiveness. First, we need to have an attitude of forgiveness, which is a willingness and desire to truly forgive someone and not dwell on how they wronged us. We should ask God to give us this attitude even before the other person repents (Mark 11:25). The second stage is the granting of forgiveness, which is a promise not to talk about someone's sins or hold them against him ever again. These promises should normally be made after someone has repented of and confessed his sin (Luke 17:3). Such promises open the way to genuine reconciliation.

It sounds like God has given you an attitude of forgiveness, which is a gift of grace. But it is unlikely that you will be genuinely reconciled to your father, tearing down all the walls between you, unless he confesses his sins and you explicitly grant him forgiveness.

Furthermore, it may be that your father is still haunted by the memory and guilt of what he did to you. If he doubts that you would forgive him, he would naturally keep those shameful memories hidden. Therefore, going to him to talk about this and to indicate your desire to forgive him could open the way for him to find release from a terrible burden.

At the same time, you need to be prepared for the fact that he may deny the abuse and become angry if you approach him. If he does, reaffirm your love for him and your desire to forgive, and let him know that you are willing to talk whenever he wants to do so. Then pray that God will use your words to plant a seed of hope and a longing for forgiveness in his heart, which will eventually lead your father to confess his sin to you.

It may or may not be helpful to involve your mother in this conversation. Ideally, it would be best to work things out with your father first, and then the two of you could prayerfully decide whether your mother would benefit from learning about your conversation.

If your father is manipulative and you are vulnerable to be hurt again, it would be wise to consult with your pastor or a Christian counselor before approaching him. They may be able to help you prepare for his possible reactions, and in some cases it would be wise to have one of them come with you when you talk with him. If there is any danger that your father might still be abusing someone else, then you should work even more quickly and carefully to confront him.

Above all else, when you talk with your father, do not make his sin the major focus of your conversation. Although his behavior does have to be discussed candidly, give equal attention to building hope. No matter how badly any of us has sinned, we can find deliverance through Jesus. We may still have to bear some worldly consequences, but our sins can be forgiven and our relationships can be restored because of what our Lord did for us on the cross.

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Go to Answers for Questions 7 - 12