Children

	Young Peacemaker Provides detailed plans for teaching biblical peacemaking to 3rd-7th grade children in families, Christian schools, home schools, Sunday schools, VBS, and youth groups. $19.95 more info

Answer: Yes, there is a great deal that you can do. Every one of your children's conflicts provides a teaching opportunity. If you resort to lecturing in the heat of a conflict, however, your irritation and frustration will cause them to put up walls and miss what you are trying to teach. Instead, develop a long-range strategy where most of the instruction takes place during a calm time when they are open to listening, and actual conflicts are used as a time to practice what they have been taught.

If you download the article "Peacemaking: A Key to Socializing Children," you will find a detailed plan on how to use this approach to teach your children to be peacemakers. It takes time and commitment, but the results are worth it!

Question 8: The major source of conflict between my wife and me is disagreement on how to raise our children. Discipline, education, clothes, spending; you name it, we've fought over it. What can we do to end our constant disagreements and give our children a better model of resolving conflict?

Answer: You will probably always disagree about some aspect of your children's lives, but by God's grace you can learn to handle those disagreements in a constructive manner. Since you've already spent many hours arguing about these issues, make a commitment to spend a few hours learning how to respond to these conflicts in a biblical manner. (If you skimp on learning, you'll just continue to spend this time arguing.)

Start by looking at two pages on this web site: Foundational Principles and The Heart of Conflict. If this whets your appetite, read through Peacemaking for Families together. To dig deeper, encourage your church to sponsor a Sunday school class or small group Bible study on peacemaking, where you can discuss these principles with other couples that wrestle with the same problems in their families.

Pay particular attention to learning and practicing the PAUSE principle of negotiation. As you improve your ability to understand and look out for your spouse's concerns about raising your children, you will be more effective in channeling disagreements in a constructive direction.

At the same time, ask your church to recommend some biblically solid material on raising children. Put your new communication and negotiation skills to practice by discussing and seeking agreement on various parenting issues.

If you get stuck on an issue, don't slip into a quarrel or ignore the problem. Seek out one or two couples in your church that seem to be raising their children effectively, and ask for their advice. If you listen to this advice, you will not only speed agreement, but also model to your children the wisdom of seeking counsel from others when they cannot resolve a conflict on their own.

Blended Family

	The Peacemaker Student Edition Applies biblical principles to the conflicts teens face, helping to resolve those conflicts and bring about forgiveness and reconciliation. $10.95 Download Chapter 1  more info

Answer: As a starting point, you and your husband need to come together and develop a united approach to this problem. This will probably require working through the learning process described in the answer to question 8. At the same time, ask your husband to lead the way in teaching your children to learn how to respond to conflict biblically, as suggested in the answer to question 7.

As you go through this material together, you will have opportunities to talk about various conflicts you've had and how you all could have dealt with them more constructively. Draw your stepchildren out and listen carefully to their concerns and frustrations. When they really believe that you are trying to understand them, they will be more likely to open up and listen to you. This takes time and effort, but as you learn to get along better with your stepchildren, you'll not only enjoy a more peaceful family life but also equip them to deal with the conflicts they will face later in their own families.

For guidance on dealing with children in general, see Shepherding a Child's Heart and Age of Opportunity.

Question 10: My wife's ex-husband is making our lives miserable. His support checks are often late, he sometimes fails to show up for visitation, and he refuses to cooperate with us on important issues related to the children's education. Is there anything we can do besides calling an attorney?

Answer: Calling an attorney is the last thing you should do. Even if you find a way to force the ex-husband to pay support on time, he can just find another way to make your lives miserable.

Problems with an ex-spouse often have nothing to do with the material issues themselves. They are usually caused or at least aggravated by unresolved personal issues with your spouse, which give rise to bitterness, jealousy, resentment, or anger. Unless you get to these root issues, you will experience an ongoing pattern of conflict as the children get older.

Depending on the intensity of the conflict and the personality of the ex-husband, you could try a few different approaches. First, you and your wife should both make a concerted effort to learn how to respond to this conflict in a biblical manner (see learning suggestions in answer to question 8). Then your wife should prayerfully examine her role in her divorce. If she realizes she committed sins she has never admitted to her ex-husband, she should look for a way to meet with him and make a sincere and thorough confession. If her ex-husband is not likely to respond well, go with her to provide encouragement and support. Make sure that this initial meeting focuses on her confession, not pointing out the things he did or continues to do wrong. Try to get her wrongs off the table, and then wait a while to see if that has any effect on how he behaves.

If a personal meeting is not effective or even possible, ask her ex-husband to meet with you and a neutral mediator to work out some of your conflicts. Use the PAUSE principle and appeal to his interests as much as possible. If he still declines and if he attends another church, ask your pastor to contact his pastor and appeal to him to persuade the ex-husband to participate in mediation. If that does not work and the problems become severe, you may have to tell him that unless he participates in mediation, you will have to get an attorney to force him to deal with these issues. Such a step could greatly aggravate problems and lead to major expenses, so do not do this unless you first count the cost.

No matter what you do, your most effective response is prayer. Keep asking God to work in the ex-husband's heart as well as yours and your wife's, to show each of you how you are contributing to the problem, to give you hope for change because of Jesus' love and power, and to resolve the problems of the past so that you can enjoy peace today.

Extended Family

Question 11: My mother and I have not gotten along in years. She is always trying to control me, even though I now have my own family. When we get together, we're both polite, but I can only take so much advice and criticism before I react angrily towards her. I really love my mother, but I hate being with her. Is there any hope for us?

Answer: If you are trusting in Christ, there is always hope! There is no heart so hard that he cannot soften it. Pray, pray, pray, and then keep on praying for God to work in both you and your mother.

At the same time, dig into God's Word and learn as much as possible about how to respond to this conflict biblically (see learning suggestions in the answer to question 8). Ask God to help you deal with your mother in a way that will demonstrate Christ's love and forgiveness in your life. Get the log out of our own eye by asking God to help you identify and confess ways that you have contributed to the tension between you. Then plan how to lovingly confront your mother and help her to see how her controlling behavior is hurting you and damaging your relationship. Be specific on what she does that offends you and how it makes you feel. Keep holding out hope for change by reminding her of the love and forgiveness of Christ, and his promise to help us to grow.

If personal conversations do not bring progress, appeal to your mother to meet with you and a neutral counselor or mediator (perhaps her pastor or yours) to talk things out. Be as gentle yet persuasive as possible. If she hesitates, ask your father or a sibling to talk with her to encourage her to work this through with you.

If she refuses to change or work towards a solution, ask God to give you wisdom and strength to respond to her provocations with grace. Also ask him to help you to learn when and how to draw appropriate boundaries on what you will accept in your relationship. Even if you do not see immediate progress, do not give up. It may be that God is using her provocations to help you learn some important lessons on forgiveness and mercy. No matter what she does, you can always keep on growing in Christ.

Question 12: Holidays are a frustrating and painful time for me. Whenever my family gets together, someone always brings up some unpleasant thing from the past or criticizes someone else, which usually leads to hurt feelings or a heated quarrel. Frankly, I dread getting together as a family. Is there some way that I could be a peacemaker in a situation like this?

Answer: This kind of conflict provides a rich opportunity for you to glorify God, serve other people, and grow to be more like Christ. As always, prayer is a key to change. At the same time, you should ask God to help you improve your ability to respond to this conflict biblically (see learning suggestions in answer to question 8).

Depending on the personalities and dynamics of your family, there are many ways you could try to help them learn to deal with these conflicts more constructively. One of the best is to try to discern which family members are most likely to share your concerns about family gatherings and to be open to working with you to encourage a change. Go to them first, pray together, learn more about peacemaking, and plan how to reach out to other family members.

Since some family members keep bringing up offenses of the past, it might help for all of you (either together or a few at a time) to talk about forgiveness. Help them to see that God calls us to forgive others as he has forgiven us (Eph. 4:32). One of the best ways to imitate God's forgiveness is to make four promises to those who have sinned against us:

• I will not dwell on this event.
• I will not bring this up and use it against you in the future.
• I will not talk to others about this.
• I will not let this stand between us and hinder our personal relationship.

Ask your family if this is how they would like to be forgiven. If so, point out that this is how they should forgive one another.

For even more detailed insights on how to deal with holiday conflicts, see Walking in Peace amid Holiday Strife.